I don't fit into normal social groups easy. I think this almost goes without saying. I've never been able to pinpoint the reason. I'm friendly and easy to get along with for the most part. I think I'm relatively interesting and funny. But I don't fall into the groups I should be falling into. Maybe it's because I'm not willing to pretend to be something I'm not. I'm not going to pretend that you're not a bitch just to keep the friends that you have. I'm not going to worship the ground anyone walks on under false pretenses. And no, I've never been particularly outgoing. This probably sounds weird to my close friends, because with them - I am. But I can't be until I comfortable with the people I'm with, but I'm never going to be comfortable with people if they don't stop expecting me to laugh at their jokes even if I don't think they're funny, or compliment them incessantly.

What I'm trying to say is that being a musical theatre major was really hard for me. I think there's a lot of pretense that goes on that I could just not commit to. And whether or not the majority of the people I was surrounded by would have really liked me doesn't really matter. I wasn't given much of a chance with most of them because I wasn't like them. But who wants to be friends with people who are replicas of themselves? I really did genuinely like the people in my class. And it's not that anyone was mean, most of the time. And really, I think I just consistently had the paranoid feeling that when I left a room, people made fun of me. Even though I couldn't really think of what they would possibly make fun of me for.

Clearly I went back to Pace the other night. And the minute I walked down the stairs to Shimmel, that same old feeling of being constantly judged revisited me all over again. It's not that I was miserable the whole 4 years. Because I found my niche, and I found the people that I could get along with and get close to without feeling like they hated me. And one person who I got close to without meaning to, and then regretted the rest of my time at Pace. But that's the past, thankfully, and we move on. Until we visit our old stomping grounds and wonder what we could have done differently. Of course there are people I wished I could have been better friends with. But there are always reasons that these things don't happen.

As a school and a program, I was happy to be at Pace. I think I learned a lot, and was able to grow with the program. Pace is a completely different place now than it was when I started. Which is amazing, but frustrating at the same time. The students now have a lot more resources than we had when we were there. But we saw it all happen, which is neat. But do I feel that I was ignored a lot of the time, in the shadow of the students the teacher obviously thought were superior? Absolutely. I made the most out of my education there on my own time. With the help of talented individuals, we found our own ways to perform and grow. Performances that I am still extremely proud of. Performances that staff never saw. That was the hardest thing to deal with.

I don't know how this turned into a giant complaint. It's not what I intended. I wanted to tread on the subject lightly, but that's hard to do. It is what it is. And I'll continue to go back and see shows at Pace as long as I can, because I want to continue to support where I spent 4 years of my life. And there are still people there who I really like and respect and who I think are super talented. And I can only hope to see them on Pace's stage before they leave.



    Remember the time you and I feel exactly the same way about Pace? LMAO


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