What I did for love

Why do you do what you do?

That is the most brilliant question in the world. A question that I have no problem answering a million and a half times.

(I just want to make note here that I stopped mid entry to read reviews of "Guys & Dolls". Which say something. ;-) )

I don't remember a time in my life where I wasn't singing and acting. I did my first play in kindergarten as a mermaid. I sang with my Grandpa when I was 7. I did community theater all throughout elementary school, taking musical theatre classes, auditioning in school, and I started voice lessons when I was 9 years old. There has never been anything else I wanted to do, or really anything else I was as good at.

But the question here is why. Why am I going to be graduating in May with a BFA in Musical Theatre? Why am I practically committing myself to struggling to pay rent in NYC?

For my entire life, the only remedy for feeling upset or angry or anything other than content has been to sing. Quietly, loudly, in my head, by myself, with people around me. It's the only thing that can put me at ease almost instantly. I have specific songs for specific moods. I have playlists designed very carefully. Music is my number one healing tool, and it's always gone hand in hand with acting. I cannot sing a song without acting it, as silly as that sounds. I can't just sing the notes. Even if it's a Kelly Clarkson song at karaoke, it doesn't matter. The text and the music are always crafted to mean something with each other, and my mind just instantly goes: "How can I not honor that?"

It's obviously more than having no other skills. Though that is part of it. ;-) I could not possibly care any less about being famous. I think that the people who are doing this to become famous are doing it for the wrong reasons. This is just so deeply ingrained in who I am. I'm acting when I'm not acting - looking at monologues, using my acting journal to put all the energy somewhere. I've been thinking about Crossing Brooklyn months before rehearsals are even starting. There is nothing that can compare to doing the work and fleshing someone out and getting up on stage and being. It's not even about showing people what I can do, proving someone wrong. It's just about being.

I just want to be in theater. I don't care where, I don't care how. I want to be completely immersed in theatre my entire life. It doesn't matter if I need to work 3 other jobs to accomplish this. If I never get paid for it. Obviously that's the goal, but it's not the reason. It cannot be the reason. Do I have fantasies about coming out of the stagedoor at The Imperial to a crowd who wants to meet me? Of course. I'm human. But that is not the goal. It would merely be a perk. The goal is only to continue. And to be.



Post a Comment

Blogger Templates by Blog Forum